Raged and Confused

What do I want? I have no idea. Do I just not want to be alone? Do I just not want to see him with another girl? Do I want to be miserable? Do I want to change this much? Do I want the pain to go away? Yes. The last one I know is a yes. But the pain will only go away for a little while then return with the beginning of my junior year, right? Do I want to see a counselor, get on happy pills, be angry all the time? I don't know what to do, and this is just the pattern of my life at the moment. I know that I love him. I don't know if he is that special somone anymore though. Everything fell apart with two words: It's over. It was crumbling to pieces before then though. I don't want to control him, I just want him to think more about our future and about how I feel. I feel jealous, sad, angry, worried, stressed, overwhelmed, doubtful. Whatever. Is there still a future? Does it even matter? I just wish we didn't have stupid emotions so I could break it off and not look back. But do I want to throw something away without peeling back the rest of the layers to see if the inside is still good? It's a risk to keep it and a risk to waste it. To see the inside I must have time, which for some reason I don't feel like I have much of. I want to be out and start a family, a life, a career. You can change some minor things about people, but not personality. That's huge. That's who they are. If you want me to change then you don't love who I am. You love who I could be. You don't love me but the version of me that waits in your head. I don't want to be in your head. I want to be in your heart.