Just one of those days

I am the kind of person who, when I don't get something done when I want it done, I lose it. I freak out, cry a little, get angry, then laugh. Ha! What a cycle! And it usually isn't the end of the world, just a few minor things that go wrong. Today was that day.

To start off, my breaks weren't on time at work. This irritates me because as a smoker, my body knows when its been a while since its last nicotine intake. So I got cranky and had to tell the manager over and over and over that it was my turn. Ugh!

Then, my friends were all in a bad mood for craft night. This rubbed off on me, and they were quite disrespectful. I just wanted to cry to my mom.

BUT, my phone was out of minutes. So, I tried to put more minutes on there, but the customer service people seemed to think that I had a stolen credit card or was not who I said I was.

Trembling lip, that hurt you feel right behind your eyes as tears well up and spill over your eyelid, streaming down your face with mascara, making you look like a sad lump of poo.

Yes. I cried a little. Then I talked to my mommy thanks to awesome friends who know how to make a crappy night better with a borrowed phone and beef stew. And of course talking to the one woman who sits and listens, doesn't judge, sympathizes, and gets my mind off of things made me feel a lot better. It just goes to show that mothers will always make things better.

I owe my mom so much. She may not have known how to help me with all my homework, but she knew how to push me to get it done. She may not have known what to do to get me into college, but she was proud when I did it on my own. She may not have given me good advice with boys, but she backed up what I thought.

My mother has done so much, and I love her with all my heart. I am so blessed to have a mother like her.

WM

Looking Like A Hooker...

You know what really grinds my gears?

Girls who dress like this when they go to class.

Who are they trying to impress? The professor? All the boys who are on Facebook? Ridiculous!
The only thing I think of when I see a girl dressed like this is that she really wants it, you know? This person is not looking for a relationship, does not have any self-esteem or self-worth. This person does not value herself.

Let me tell you something honey... you're not going to attract anything good with that getup. You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.

WM

Moving Along

I have been single for about 2 months, maybe. It is fantastic. I've been on two crappy dates so far. One was with a boy who didn't like me because I smoked. The other was with some lame dude who doesn't understand that he's not funny. They were both younger than me. I need an older man who has everything figured out, who is on the road to success. I keep looking for love, but its in all the wrong places. Hell, I'm not even looking for love. Its more like a male friend who just adores me. He should buy me lots of pretty things and take me to exotic places. I want a man who will actually try to court me, not one who takes me on one date and then we're official.

There's men, but women are just as bad. Girls are saying that I can't like this guy because he's not good for me. Then one of my friends tells me she called dibs on one guy. I tell her I will back off, but she tells me to go ahead. I know she's mad. Ugh. Why can't life be simple? No drama?

Oh well. Life goes on. At least I have friends who really truly care about me. I was blinded before. He made me think that everyone was out to get me. People thought I was paranoid, and e was the reason. Now, I'm happy. I am happy without a man in my life.

So, that was my lesson to learn. I thought. Now, give me a man dammit!

OMGWTF!!

So, I just read some of my old bullshit blogs. He was going to marry me. He is my everything. I don't know what I'd do without him. I belong with him.
NO!
Apparently, all of that was just imaginary. We broke up like 2 months ago, maybe, and he already has a girlfriend. WTF?! I must have meant absolutely nothing. Oh yeah... we broke up because he cheated and lied constantly... so I'm right. I was a great big nothing in his life. There are so many curse words I could scream right now. but I'm in a library full of students. I don't need to decrease my chances of finding a potential mate.

Oh well. Screw him. I'm single, on the prowl, looking for my next victim. Don't be scared; I just need a rebound. I just need to break a few hearts before I can feel better about men.

Ok. I was totally looking for a man before he got a gf, but its not like it makes me feel better. The man I found was a virgin, unwilling to unbuckle his tight as hell chastity belt. I know.. right?!

Whatever, I'm just riding solo now, waiting for him to trip and fall in front of me while I'm walking to class so I can laugh my ass off. Men suck! They just suck you into a tangled web of lies and let you hang there for a while, buttering you up. You believe them even when you don't. My heart believed him but my gut was screaming at me.

People tend to think I'm cold and heartless, but I'm really not. My heart is very loud and huge and ready to put love out there. But now... its broken and bleeding, bruised from a beating. I don't quite know if it can go through something like that again.

I'm just really upset that I wrote all that bullshit. That was exactly what it was: bullshit. I meant everything I said. I did want to marry the bastard. I did want to give him a second chance, but not a third, fourth, and fifth.

Yeah, I took him back after he cheated. I'll fess up. It was stupid, but I learned from it. I can't forget that kind of stuff (cheating) and just move on with life. I'll know better next time. I have no regrets.

With love (since I have so much now),

WM

I Don't Understand

The first time you lied, I sat there beside you and actually listened to you cry because I wanted to take a break. I couldn't bear to see you like that. I took it back. I gave you the second chance you told me you deserved.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
The past is only the future with the lights on. (Well said Plus 44)

That second chance has now been run over like a door mat similar to me. Another lie. Another night of drunken depression and ignoring the phone calls that were meant to be worried about you. Then I find out that you're drinking. I told you you could drink (even though you're not supposed to) as long as I was there. It wasn't good enough was it?

You even went to drink with a cheater who you claim to be your friend. If SHE was really your friend she would have looked out for you because I'm sure she knew that your drinking could lead to very bad consequences. But no. She let you drink and cry your beer tears, surely about me and how you can't make me happy.

You want to make me happy? Yet you go out without me and ignore me the whole night. Why put me through this when I'm already going through so much? I've been so alone, so very upset lately. You critisized me for wanting to drink after a long hard day. Yet you have no job, no money, you're not moving out of your parent's.

I stayed for you. I stayed because I thought it would make you happy. I wanted to keep you company through the summer that always leaves you lonely. I give and I sacrifice for what? To be lied to again and again? You are all I have, but now I have no one.

Why did you want a second chance? To hurt me once again? I only wish I understood.

the cycle

There is something calming about watching the city wind down just at dusk. The way the pink sky accents the headlights of cars as they pass by on their weary drive home to relax. Then I think about what I have accomplished today. I think about how I got a raise at work and how I am moving along in this world. Moving along. That's all we are doing like chess pieces in a game that cannot go on forever. We start out in a social integration mechanism called school. Then some of us move to a college or start out working a job. Then you realize that money is everything. It's what drives life, but not the best life. We could be putting our time and energy into taking care of our environment or other people, but we spend time making money to satisfy our own needs and wants. We make it, spend it, make it, spend it. It's this neverending cycle that drives me insane. I HATE MONEY.

Raged and Confused

What do I want? I have no idea. Do I just not want to be alone? Do I just not want to see him with another girl? Do I want to be miserable? Do I want to change this much? Do I want the pain to go away? Yes. The last one I know is a yes. But the pain will only go away for a little while then return with the beginning of my junior year, right? Do I want to see a counselor, get on happy pills, be angry all the time? I don't know what to do, and this is just the pattern of my life at the moment. I know that I love him. I don't know if he is that special somone anymore though. Everything fell apart with two words: It's over. It was crumbling to pieces before then though. I don't want to control him, I just want him to think more about our future and about how I feel. I feel jealous, sad, angry, worried, stressed, overwhelmed, doubtful. Whatever. Is there still a future? Does it even matter? I just wish we didn't have stupid emotions so I could break it off and not look back. But do I want to throw something away without peeling back the rest of the layers to see if the inside is still good? It's a risk to keep it and a risk to waste it. To see the inside I must have time, which for some reason I don't feel like I have much of. I want to be out and start a family, a life, a career. You can change some minor things about people, but not personality. That's huge. That's who they are. If you want me to change then you don't love who I am. You love who I could be. You don't love me but the version of me that waits in your head. I don't want to be in your head. I want to be in your heart.