the cycle

There is something calming about watching the city wind down just at dusk. The way the pink sky accents the headlights of cars as they pass by on their weary drive home to relax. Then I think about what I have accomplished today. I think about how I got a raise at work and how I am moving along in this world. Moving along. That's all we are doing like chess pieces in a game that cannot go on forever. We start out in a social integration mechanism called school. Then some of us move to a college or start out working a job. Then you realize that money is everything. It's what drives life, but not the best life. We could be putting our time and energy into taking care of our environment or other people, but we spend time making money to satisfy our own needs and wants. We make it, spend it, make it, spend it. It's this neverending cycle that drives me insane. I HATE MONEY.

Raged and Confused

What do I want? I have no idea. Do I just not want to be alone? Do I just not want to see him with another girl? Do I want to be miserable? Do I want to change this much? Do I want the pain to go away? Yes. The last one I know is a yes. But the pain will only go away for a little while then return with the beginning of my junior year, right? Do I want to see a counselor, get on happy pills, be angry all the time? I don't know what to do, and this is just the pattern of my life at the moment. I know that I love him. I don't know if he is that special somone anymore though. Everything fell apart with two words: It's over. It was crumbling to pieces before then though. I don't want to control him, I just want him to think more about our future and about how I feel. I feel jealous, sad, angry, worried, stressed, overwhelmed, doubtful. Whatever. Is there still a future? Does it even matter? I just wish we didn't have stupid emotions so I could break it off and not look back. But do I want to throw something away without peeling back the rest of the layers to see if the inside is still good? It's a risk to keep it and a risk to waste it. To see the inside I must have time, which for some reason I don't feel like I have much of. I want to be out and start a family, a life, a career. You can change some minor things about people, but not personality. That's huge. That's who they are. If you want me to change then you don't love who I am. You love who I could be. You don't love me but the version of me that waits in your head. I don't want to be in your head. I want to be in your heart.

I Thought I Had Him

I thought that this was the one. This was the man who could finally make me happy. The one before him mde me cry every night, literally. But this one?

 I thought he was the fish that I didn't have to throw back. I thought he was the one I would mount on a pretty piece of wood and hang in my living room for all to see and admire.

I thought he would never lie to me. I thought he really loved me for who I am--quirks, flaws, weirdness included. I thought he would hold me in his arms forever as if I was some sort of magic that would float away if not held in the correct position.

 I thought he would be the one I could always talk to, cry to, yell at, fight with, tickle, play, and love because everything would always be better in the end. I always boast about him in front of my friends because he always did THE SWEETEST things for me. He was a real romantic whom was easy to characterize in a story because I didn't have to make things up in order for him to be seen as a prince.

I thought he would always forgive me. I get angry super easily, and that is one of my most repelling flaws. Somehow he accepted my flaws, and we always made up in the end. Somehow he saw me as perfect when I was completely imperfect. He saw the sparkle in my eyes, not the bulge around my waist. He saw my smile instead of my big feet.

I thought I would never have to look again. He was the one. I had already decided I was done looking. It sucks being out in the singles world. Creepy people hit on you, and you really just don't know who is a creeper sometimes.

I thought his smile would always brighten my day, and his voice would put a song in my heart for only me to listen. I thought he would never lie.


I WAS WRONG. ROYALLY WRONG.

He lied. He drank. He told me he was with his sick grandmother. That is wrong on so many levels. He is unethical, unjust, unemotional, selfish, and a bastard. (Excuse my rightful language.)

He really gets mad at me because I am mad at him.

He really just wants sex all of the time.

He really makes me feel terrible for pledging a social club. There is no hazing, drinking, or anything stupid involved.

I don't get it.

Someone explain why I fell in love with a lying douchebag.

Gift Me Stupid

I have a dilemma on my hands. I don't know what to get my boyfriend for Christmas.

He told me a few things he could use, but nothing really stood out to me. Nothing says I really seriously am deeply in love with you. . . and I will get you the perfect present for Christmas.

This comprises his Christmas list:

Crossmen DVD 2001

XBOX 360

Leather jacket

or

Finale (a music composition software).

I am clueless as to what to do.

You see, he is very talented with gift-giving. He always gives the sweetest most thoughtful things that don't even cost that much.

Someone help me. And I know it should be my own idea. . . yeah yeah.

WM

Right Beside You

You know when you find that special, warm, inviting, comfortable place where you just feel like you belong? Usually it has to do with a group of people--friends, family, congregation, class, club, or even a relationship. I just realized that last one.

When I searched out colleges, I had no idea what I was looking for. All I knew is that I was leaving my friends and my family behind, so I needed a very inviting place where I could work up some replacements. Of course, no one will ever replace my family, but some one can become more than a friend.

I only applied to two places. Baylor and well, my present college (PC), since I am such a mysterious ninja, seemed like two completely different and well-thought-out choices. Baylor is huge, and they can have numerous amounts of students in one classroom; however, it was closer to home. I am from a very small town, so unless they offered me a full free ride, I wasn't going. I hate driving in cities.

My PC was actually pretty small, had a family feel to it, and was located in a city I had already driven in and knew. I decided it was going to be my final choice. I locked it in with my mother and the packing began.

I was terrified. My roommate and I had talked on the phone some over the summer, though I had never seen her. She sounded spoiled, bratty, part of the large group of people that I generally don't like. Well, I generally don't like many people, or else I just take time to get to know someone.

When I got there, she was actually pretty cool. We were both very similar. (Now, living together has pretty much forced us to hate each other most of the time.) We became besties. So, the tearing away of my family and friends from back home didn't hurt so badly now that I had a friend.

It's not only her, though. The faculty here is so involved and friendly. You can get help from anyone except the business office who handles your money; I don't like them very much. Hey! This is an expensive school! There are numerous social clubs, traditions out the wazoo, and a very fun homecoming bringing the alumni back together. The classes are small, and you get more attention than you would really like, but it's a good thing.

Anyways, on with it. When I met my boyfriend, it seemed like I belonged here even more. I never really knew why I applied to this school. I just knew the town, and I know this might sound stupid, but I think I was meant to come here. Pulled by some unknown force like a magnet to its opposite pole. It was destiny. Fate.

Every time he holds my close to his chest in our pre-sleep cuddling, I feel like I fit there perfectly. It seems that we were made for each other. I don't mean to be mushy, it's just that he left the other day to go on a tour of some sort. He won't be back until Wednesday night, and I am just completely lost without him. I've been wondering around campus like a tiny lost puppy.

This miserable feeling I have just makes me love him more. I have never missed someone so much in my life, and I don't know what I would do without him.

So, after so long of wondering, I know where I belong: right beside you.

"I don't want this moment to ever end where everything's nothing without you."-Sum 41 "With Me"

WM

7 months

So, I'm sorry I have not been available for a while. I've been super busy, extremely stressed, and lazy in between. I stay up too late and get up too early. School sucks, and I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be until yesterday. Me and the boyfriend got into a big fight.

You see, he likes to think he is so much busier than I am, and he's always tired or grumpy around me. I finally call him out on it, and he blows up in my face. He even put me on a guilt trip. This was totally out of habit because he used to be a really caring and sweet guy.

For the past month, I do believe that we have not been getting along as well as usual. I'm clingy, and he doesn't have much time to spare. I get that I was a bit wrong for bothering him about being tired and busy.

He did so well when I finally got the balls, caved, and asked him to talk it out with me. We argued; we both said some very mean things. What is important is that I finally got to let out all those feelings I had about the demon and such. After we decided we needed to stop being subtly mean to each other, he explained things in the "we" sense.

It was amazing. He was all like,

"We should work on not getting mad about the little things."

"We both just need to hold it in sometimes until we cool off."

"We can talk about our feelings calmly."

ETC...

That "we" talk calmed me down a lot. It's like you're not attacking the other person as much. It's not like YOU SAID, YOU DID, YOU KNEW... He's so smart, seeing what ticks me off.

THEN... he said he wanted to tell me something. OK we were just fighting, so automatically I thought this was gonna be bad. He said I love you which I knew wasn't what the deal was. He was scared to tell me.

I talked him into telling me.

"You know, some day I fully intend to propose to you."

Chills. Butterflies. That feeling where you want to call your mother really bad. You want to shout, to smile, to make sweet love right there on the picnic table.

I said nothing. I didn't make an facial expressions. I said OK.

WOW. I know I'm a dumbass. When guys tell you their feelings about serious shit, you have to praise them. I just didn't want to be creeperish. I know that sounds stupid because he's the one talking about marriage. I have been dreaming of weddings since I took a look at Ex Hot Girl's photography blog. The weddings just make me smile.

He puts his head down saying he feels stupid. No. Please don't. You just put me into shock. I didn't mean to keep silent, I just tend to have weird word vomit at weird times. I was probably gonna say something like, "Yes, I'll marry you!" WEIRD.

Truly, that sentence made my whole world worth it. He cares so much. I care so much. And in seven months, I have grown into the person I want to be all because of him.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."- Herman Hesse

WM

And The Demon Comes Out

I have had a couple of shitty relationships, and I have come up with a reason most of us break it off. The demon comes out.


At first, I meet a guy, and if he likes me enough then he is an absolute angel. He opens the door, pays for all the dates, buys me pretty things, compliments me, calls me, texts me, makes me laugh, holds me, hugs me, spends all of his free time with me, and then somwehere down the line... the demon comes out. He comes out with his nasty little horns, nasty little claws, and nasty little attitude.


This mother jumps out of Hell when we think everything is perfect. It usually occurs somewhere after the big ILY. People get comfortable; it's true, but that doesn't mean all of the nice things in life that make your smile light up like the July sky should abruptly stop. Those daily texts, daily visits, and daily compliments become very few and far between. You start buying more things for him, taking him more places, and waiting on him to find time to hang out with you between beers and video games. The demon has taken control.


Wow ladies. I think I have found The One. He was way better than the other heavenly creatures who quickly fell below angelic standards. He was something special; there was no way he would turn on me.


Well, like most times, I wasn't completely right.


You see, I have a wee bit of an anger problem. I admit that I will get pissed at little things. That is my personality--who I am. When we first met, it was magical to find someone who could be patient and not get angry at me. I could get calm with him and love him more with every little squabble.


Somewhere along the road, patience dwindled. The little things he did that meant so much faded away into the darkness that had enveloped our relationship. We drifted apart slowly through a rough period. He had become interested in things other than our relationship. You know how boys pay all their attention to you in the beginning of a relationship? Yeah, we were over that period. Suddenly friends were more important. Video games were more interesting than seeing how my day was. Beer with his buddies was the better alternative to wine at a candlelit dinner.


You might think that I'm describing the beginning of a terrible breakup, but I'm not. I'm simply explaining that there are bad times that everyone must go through in order to make their relationship stronger.


Our love for each other has actually grown, and we enjoy each other's company when we have time. I stay over most nights, and he holds me close to his heart. So, the moral of this blog is that a little hardship is inevitable for an amazing relationship. The demon can be vanquished as long as you put in the effort.


P.S. I have decided that my sign-off will be a different quote each time =]


"Thou art to me a delicious torment."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


WM