Thank you, Blogger!

I know that I don't exactly have any readers or followers or anything, but this blog has really helped me out. I must admit that I am somewhat of an angry person. I get paranoid about the smallest thing, and I am a pessimist. I get angry, yell, say things I don't mean, and then feel awful about it later. My boyfriend knows this.

He's been trying to help me since we got together, but I've noticed he's very busy and stressed out which means he can't be very calm anymore. Sometimes he says I get mad for stupid reasons. I mean, sure, I might get mad over a little something, but telling me that is not going to help anything.

I remember keeping a journal for my 4 years of high school. It helped a lot. I wrote about my feelings like I was talking it out with someone. It helped until one BF just screwed it all up royally. I cried every night and no amount of writing could fix what I was going through. I stopped. I got worse. I was depressed.

Now, I've realized that writing was an important outlet for me. I then proceeded to get my very own blog. I came up with this idea after I started reading one guy's blog who always posted links on Facebook.

I feel so much better. I can take my anger out on here instead of on someone else. I feel more calm, and I actually kept myself from fighting with the BF yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. I still talk about my feelings with him. I just wait until after I write about it. Blogging has had a very great effect on me. It's like getting it all out, then taking a step back and looking at yourself. I explained it to the BF like an ironic situation in a book.

I can't really tell if I'm arguing or getting mad for the wrong reasons. I just feel mad and express that emotion. Kind of like when the character in the book doesn't know that the murderer is really his/her husband/wife; however, the reader does. So, when I read my feelings I become the audience and get a better aspect on things.

It is truly incredible. Thank you Blogger!

40 Minutes

Only 40 more minutes until I get out of this hell hole. And no, I am not mistaken. It is sooo hot where I am working right now. I'm only 20, I can't be having a hot flash.

And that's not the only thing wrong. I'm horny too. I've been texting Guy naughty things. After I send it I always look around to see if anyone got a glimpse of me biting my lower lip and cocking my head to the side. Cocking... mmmm... head...

Now that I think of it, those onlookers probably just thought I looked funny. That's really not a sexy/horny look. More like a confused dog with buck teeth.

What about a guy's sex face? Or his sex noises? I don't know what I would do if the guy was just entirely quiet in bed. Honestly, I wouldn't be into it. I like a guy who's not afraid to be loud and just let it all out. And I mean all of it ;)

I really thought that blogging would help me take my mind off things, but it's not working.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears!?

Here are the top ten things that really just tick me off. I could have gone on and on, but there's only so much bitching a reader can take right? Oh. By the way, I stole my title from Family Guy. Love that show.

First off, really loud people make me want to wrap them up in a tarp. No matter if it's on a cell phone, in a quiet place such as a library, or that unbearable obnoxious fake laugh, loud people seem to be everywhere.

It's even worse when they're talking very loudly about something that should be private. "Oh yeah. I found out my ex had gonnorhea. Yeah. I got cheacked. I'm still waiting for the results. The doc told me to watch for discharge..." Ugh. Then the obnoxious laughers walk by and really let it out. It's like a collision of all the shit that pisses me off.

Secondly, people who touch my radio should be warned. Don't touch my music. Even if there's a commercial, it might be a good commercial. I'm still listening to it. When I listen to music, I get in this sort of state... a happy state... until someone walks in, turns it down, and completely ruins my awesome mojo. Thanks bastard. You just switched on the bitch.

Thirdly, those lame ass guys who check you out at the red light. Wow! I can feel their eyes peeling my clothes off. Hurry, roll the windows up and lock the doors. Now he's doing the kissy thing with his lips. Really? Honestly? Seriously? Flip him the finger and take off at the first sight of green.

Fourthly, that bastard who feels the need to shoot sparks out of his mufflers at 4 in the am across the street at that convenience store. I've been here for a little over a year, and he never fails to at least make me look out the window and think about going over there and giving him a piece of my mind. But, Mr. SparkShooter is smart. He knows its too early for any reasonable person to want to come out and get his ass. Hopefully the unreasonable person is very tall and scary looking. Hopefully he is VERY unreasonable.

Fifthly, bigger people who wear skinny jeans need to realize what they're putting the rest of us through. I understand they are the style nowadays, just not your style. I tried a pair on the other day. I'm not fat, I'm just not skinny jean material. I looked funny as hell, but at least I realized it before my ass went public. It was like something very large going into something very small. HA! Yeah I was thinking dirty.

Sixthly, those people during group work who insist they are right, but they end up wrong. Then they just brush it off like it was the whole group's fault. Well, if you would have taken our advice and just shut the hell up maybe we could be caught up with everyone else. No. We must do as you say King or we shall dare to listen to the most annoying temper tantrum ever. No. I don't have kids.

Seventhly, people who eat my food. I have a roommate and she has a lot of food. It's in her fridge, by her fridge, on her desk, in her chair. There is food everywhere. Yet, when I have food it's like its better because it's mine. Even the cheapest stalest cookies will call her to attention. She'll do the whole puppy dog pouty face until I give in. Ugh. Whatever. Take it. I'll just wait until you get fat so I can giggle as I give you yet another potatoe chip.

Eighthly, guys who straighten their hair. I was "talking" to tis guy one time, and I actually had to wait on him. He was the one who was fashionably late. Ugh. He was so full of himself. He was a guitarist, and he thought I had fun sitting there watching him strum away to the stereo. Really?

Ninthly, people who talk in a different language even though you know they and their entire family know English. I remember everyone would be laughing but me. I would have to wait for an explanation in English. That's how you treat your guests. Make them listen really hard to try to understand what you're saying. Then let them laugh late like a dumbass.

Tenthly and finally, people who take up the whole sidewalk. I understand that one may be overly large and can't help it; but, if you're skinny and just in a group... get in a line. It's not that hard. Next time I'm just gonna run you the hell over. Oh I'm so sorry. Gain some weight and maybe I'll see you next time. Nothing against the skinny people. You're beautiful. All of you. Just don't own the sidewalk like its a runway. Cause its not...

No offense to my old English teacher who always said it grinds her gears for me to say firstly, secondly, thirdly,...

Bad Day

It's bad enough when you have a bad day and everything is out of your control. Now, when your day sucks because you made it that way... that's even worse.

I fully intended on going to work this morning; however, it seems that I hit snooze this morning too many times. I also fully intended on sticking to my schedule at 1pm, but I had to do some other things like cash my check and such. I should have known to go to the bank a little earlier than usual, but I had to take a shower. Ugh. That's all I can say right now.

Bills are due. Business trip is this weekend. The dogs need to be walked. The house is dirty. I didn't wish Mom a happy birthday. Ugh. If this day died, I wouldn't even attend it's funeral. That's how much I hate this day.

And it's all my fault that I'm not getting things done. I have time. I guess I just don't use it wisely. I'm sure to make time for pleasure, it's just the business slot I have all screwed up.

Even in all of this chaos I remember a few words a wise man once told me:

It will all be ok, even if it's not.

I hope he was right. I hope this isn't just the beginning of a huge downhill slope. I have plans. I also have him. Ahhh. Breath of relief. He is all I need to know it will be ok. His words should have been:

It will all be ok because I'll always be right here with you.

Those are some good words of advice. When you have a bad day there should always be that one person you can go to and just bitch it out. Rant and rave and then have some coffee. And a cigarette. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe. I can't say that it really will because I'm such a pessimist. I always thought pessimism was the right way to look at life. No matter what happens, it should turn out better than what you expected because you always expect the worst. HA!

Clingy?

I'm not clingy.. I promise. I just ask for a lot of his time, not all of it. OK. Close to all of it. I can't help it. They say that part of loving someone is wanting to be with them every second. I guess its just that he's so busy... and I'm not. He's all important and stuff, and I'm not. It's just that everything is changing. It already changed when we started in August. Schedules were different; his was packed and mine was pretty empty.

I feel so fulfilled after finding him. I feel like I don't have to find anything else to do because I have him to keep me busy. I don't need to meet more people because he is all I need. I am totally and completely satisfied with him, and I don't need anything else to steal my attention. I feel like I'm dedicated. I don't understand. Why does he need yet another job when he makes enough money as it is?

I can't help but be paranoid. Why does he jump in the shower right when he gets home from work. He doesn't even kiss me hello. I'm in the kitchen cooking, and I hear three slams. Front door, bathroom door, shower door. Is our life so pitiful and boring that he needs to spice it up with business and maybe even a little pleasure. I would rather not think about it. I don't know why I am.

He's always been there when I needed him. Once, he left an important meeting when I told him I was at the doctor getting a checkup. He rushed over to make sure I was alright. He is very truly committed to me. I could not imagine him ever cheating on me. It's just not in his nature.

Girls can't help but be a little paranoid every now and then. We know what happens: he breaks your heart, you creep on his Facebook, eat lots of comfort foods, masterbate, and cry yourself to sleep at night while curled up in the fetal position. No girl wants to go through that. Now it's not the best idea to go and acuse him of something he never did. Just be a little curious and worried sometimes. If he loves you, he will realize that you just love him enough to not want to lose him.

I've heard many accounts of what love is like, but one is unforgettable:

Love is being able to get mad at him, knowing that it will all
work out for
the best.

It's like you can fight without feeling like what you're feeling is stupid. You can say whatever you want including expletives that you know he hates yet still know deep down inside that you still love each other very much. Love is laughing, smiling, making love, hugging kissing, playing, tickling, cheesing, grinning, chuckling, fucking, fighting, relating, understanding, caring, sharing, yelling, kneeling, proposing, praying, answering, wondering, knowing, and being yourself. Love is being clingy (to a point).

My Own Personal Superhero

He was there for me even after I first met him. He listened to my problems, my bitching, even my stupid jokes that weren't worthy of even a fake laugh.



My best friend/roommate and I had a sort of falling out after she specifically broke the sacred GIRL CODE and decided to stay best friends with my douchebag ex-boyfriend who happened to be best friends with her current boyfriend. Confusing? I know.



Well, they were pretty much my only friends; so, after the douchebag and I broke up, it was like breaking up with all of my friends at the same time. It really sucks to not have anyone. To tell the truth, I probably spent most of my time either crying or trying to write and learn music that would take my mind off of it. I had so many feelings and no one to listen to them. At least until I met HIM...



He was probably five-foot-ten with dirty blonde hair and a set of abs that would make any girl drool all over her newly applied lipgloss. He should have been wearing a cape because he was there to save me--

my own personal superhero.



We met outside at the patio where our little circle of acquaintances usually crowded to smoke cigarettes and talk about sex. I went out for a smoke and noticed some people sitting around the table. Like I said before, I sort of knew them. They told me to join, so I did. The invitation made me feel good since I had been devoid of social contact for some time. There was one guy there who didn't look too familiar, and I didn't even find out who he was until the next day. I was too busy getting my social activity in for that week or so.



Anyway, they kept showing up outside everytime I went for a smoke; so, I ADOPTED them. One night I guess I looked kinda down because this new Guy asked if everything was ok. I said it was, but somehow he managed to read my mind and UNLOCK the vault that held so many feelings safely inside. I opened up, and the words and emotions spewed out like water breaking through a dam.



I felt so much better. He listened, advised, and put the smile on my face that had been missing for quite some time. We kept meeting regularly along with the other people who became regular smokers after a few nights at the table or Circle as we liked to call it. We gradually learned more about each other, and before I knew it I was at parties with these people. I did things I had never done before, and I still don't regret it to this day.



Later on down the road, it seemed like the other people drifted away to leave us at our own discretion; I saw something in his eyes that was absent in any others I had ever had a connection with--THOUGHTFULNESS, EMPATHY, CARE, UNDERSTANDING... I could keep going, but I won't.

Finding Love In Music

I was probably fourteen years old when I decided I wanted to be a rock star. Listening to music was my favorite thing to do because I really didn't have any friends; however, I was at fault for my loneliness. I lived in a different town from where I attended school, and I realized at a very young age how society worked. Your status may change over time because new people move into town to take your place and be cooler than you were. Then, the only reason they are labeled cooler is because they have pretty clothes, better toys, and a big house. I was mostly a loner, and when I wasn't a loner, I was a loser. Music was my best friend. It started out with Simple Plan, Good Charlotte... the pre-teen music about how acceptance was nowhere to be found. After a couple of years of that, I realized I wanted to write music and lyrics (since I already loved writing poetry).

I got an electric guitar for my birthday, and I started taking lessons from a guy my mother knew from work. He introduced me to the classic stuff: Black Sabbath, ACDC, The Scorpions, and so on. I loved learning new riffs and power chords every Sunday at his house. Then, he made the announcement that he was moving out of Texas. WTF!?

I stopped learning because I didn't believe I could teach myself. I told everyone in my family that I was burnt out on electric, but an acoustic would get me back in the ring. So, the Christmas before I moved off to college, my brother bought me a black acoustic with flames running down it. It was

"love at first sight".

After getting to college and settling in a little bit, I met a guy who tried to teach me some things. He taught me a few more chords than the ones I already knew, and we would jam. Afterwards, I would play around with words and chords, trying to mold some sort of song. Finally, I did. Everyone seemed to love it.

I was so proud of myself. I had created something beautiful with feeling that people actually liked. It was a tale of a lonely girl who just wanted someone to call her own. And soon, music would lead her to that special person...