Just one of those days

I am the kind of person who, when I don't get something done when I want it done, I lose it. I freak out, cry a little, get angry, then laugh. Ha! What a cycle! And it usually isn't the end of the world, just a few minor things that go wrong. Today was that day.

To start off, my breaks weren't on time at work. This irritates me because as a smoker, my body knows when its been a while since its last nicotine intake. So I got cranky and had to tell the manager over and over and over that it was my turn. Ugh!

Then, my friends were all in a bad mood for craft night. This rubbed off on me, and they were quite disrespectful. I just wanted to cry to my mom.

BUT, my phone was out of minutes. So, I tried to put more minutes on there, but the customer service people seemed to think that I had a stolen credit card or was not who I said I was.

Trembling lip, that hurt you feel right behind your eyes as tears well up and spill over your eyelid, streaming down your face with mascara, making you look like a sad lump of poo.

Yes. I cried a little. Then I talked to my mommy thanks to awesome friends who know how to make a crappy night better with a borrowed phone and beef stew. And of course talking to the one woman who sits and listens, doesn't judge, sympathizes, and gets my mind off of things made me feel a lot better. It just goes to show that mothers will always make things better.

I owe my mom so much. She may not have known how to help me with all my homework, but she knew how to push me to get it done. She may not have known what to do to get me into college, but she was proud when I did it on my own. She may not have given me good advice with boys, but she backed up what I thought.

My mother has done so much, and I love her with all my heart. I am so blessed to have a mother like her.

WM

Looking Like A Hooker...

You know what really grinds my gears?

Girls who dress like this when they go to class.

Who are they trying to impress? The professor? All the boys who are on Facebook? Ridiculous!
The only thing I think of when I see a girl dressed like this is that she really wants it, you know? This person is not looking for a relationship, does not have any self-esteem or self-worth. This person does not value herself.

Let me tell you something honey... you're not going to attract anything good with that getup. You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.

WM

Moving Along

I have been single for about 2 months, maybe. It is fantastic. I've been on two crappy dates so far. One was with a boy who didn't like me because I smoked. The other was with some lame dude who doesn't understand that he's not funny. They were both younger than me. I need an older man who has everything figured out, who is on the road to success. I keep looking for love, but its in all the wrong places. Hell, I'm not even looking for love. Its more like a male friend who just adores me. He should buy me lots of pretty things and take me to exotic places. I want a man who will actually try to court me, not one who takes me on one date and then we're official.

There's men, but women are just as bad. Girls are saying that I can't like this guy because he's not good for me. Then one of my friends tells me she called dibs on one guy. I tell her I will back off, but she tells me to go ahead. I know she's mad. Ugh. Why can't life be simple? No drama?

Oh well. Life goes on. At least I have friends who really truly care about me. I was blinded before. He made me think that everyone was out to get me. People thought I was paranoid, and e was the reason. Now, I'm happy. I am happy without a man in my life.

So, that was my lesson to learn. I thought. Now, give me a man dammit!

OMGWTF!!

So, I just read some of my old bullshit blogs. He was going to marry me. He is my everything. I don't know what I'd do without him. I belong with him.
NO!
Apparently, all of that was just imaginary. We broke up like 2 months ago, maybe, and he already has a girlfriend. WTF?! I must have meant absolutely nothing. Oh yeah... we broke up because he cheated and lied constantly... so I'm right. I was a great big nothing in his life. There are so many curse words I could scream right now. but I'm in a library full of students. I don't need to decrease my chances of finding a potential mate.

Oh well. Screw him. I'm single, on the prowl, looking for my next victim. Don't be scared; I just need a rebound. I just need to break a few hearts before I can feel better about men.

Ok. I was totally looking for a man before he got a gf, but its not like it makes me feel better. The man I found was a virgin, unwilling to unbuckle his tight as hell chastity belt. I know.. right?!

Whatever, I'm just riding solo now, waiting for him to trip and fall in front of me while I'm walking to class so I can laugh my ass off. Men suck! They just suck you into a tangled web of lies and let you hang there for a while, buttering you up. You believe them even when you don't. My heart believed him but my gut was screaming at me.

People tend to think I'm cold and heartless, but I'm really not. My heart is very loud and huge and ready to put love out there. But now... its broken and bleeding, bruised from a beating. I don't quite know if it can go through something like that again.

I'm just really upset that I wrote all that bullshit. That was exactly what it was: bullshit. I meant everything I said. I did want to marry the bastard. I did want to give him a second chance, but not a third, fourth, and fifth.

Yeah, I took him back after he cheated. I'll fess up. It was stupid, but I learned from it. I can't forget that kind of stuff (cheating) and just move on with life. I'll know better next time. I have no regrets.

With love (since I have so much now),

WM

I Don't Understand

The first time you lied, I sat there beside you and actually listened to you cry because I wanted to take a break. I couldn't bear to see you like that. I took it back. I gave you the second chance you told me you deserved.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
The past is only the future with the lights on. (Well said Plus 44)

That second chance has now been run over like a door mat similar to me. Another lie. Another night of drunken depression and ignoring the phone calls that were meant to be worried about you. Then I find out that you're drinking. I told you you could drink (even though you're not supposed to) as long as I was there. It wasn't good enough was it?

You even went to drink with a cheater who you claim to be your friend. If SHE was really your friend she would have looked out for you because I'm sure she knew that your drinking could lead to very bad consequences. But no. She let you drink and cry your beer tears, surely about me and how you can't make me happy.

You want to make me happy? Yet you go out without me and ignore me the whole night. Why put me through this when I'm already going through so much? I've been so alone, so very upset lately. You critisized me for wanting to drink after a long hard day. Yet you have no job, no money, you're not moving out of your parent's.

I stayed for you. I stayed because I thought it would make you happy. I wanted to keep you company through the summer that always leaves you lonely. I give and I sacrifice for what? To be lied to again and again? You are all I have, but now I have no one.

Why did you want a second chance? To hurt me once again? I only wish I understood.

the cycle

There is something calming about watching the city wind down just at dusk. The way the pink sky accents the headlights of cars as they pass by on their weary drive home to relax. Then I think about what I have accomplished today. I think about how I got a raise at work and how I am moving along in this world. Moving along. That's all we are doing like chess pieces in a game that cannot go on forever. We start out in a social integration mechanism called school. Then some of us move to a college or start out working a job. Then you realize that money is everything. It's what drives life, but not the best life. We could be putting our time and energy into taking care of our environment or other people, but we spend time making money to satisfy our own needs and wants. We make it, spend it, make it, spend it. It's this neverending cycle that drives me insane. I HATE MONEY.

Raged and Confused

What do I want? I have no idea. Do I just not want to be alone? Do I just not want to see him with another girl? Do I want to be miserable? Do I want to change this much? Do I want the pain to go away? Yes. The last one I know is a yes. But the pain will only go away for a little while then return with the beginning of my junior year, right? Do I want to see a counselor, get on happy pills, be angry all the time? I don't know what to do, and this is just the pattern of my life at the moment. I know that I love him. I don't know if he is that special somone anymore though. Everything fell apart with two words: It's over. It was crumbling to pieces before then though. I don't want to control him, I just want him to think more about our future and about how I feel. I feel jealous, sad, angry, worried, stressed, overwhelmed, doubtful. Whatever. Is there still a future? Does it even matter? I just wish we didn't have stupid emotions so I could break it off and not look back. But do I want to throw something away without peeling back the rest of the layers to see if the inside is still good? It's a risk to keep it and a risk to waste it. To see the inside I must have time, which for some reason I don't feel like I have much of. I want to be out and start a family, a life, a career. You can change some minor things about people, but not personality. That's huge. That's who they are. If you want me to change then you don't love who I am. You love who I could be. You don't love me but the version of me that waits in your head. I don't want to be in your head. I want to be in your heart.

I Thought I Had Him

I thought that this was the one. This was the man who could finally make me happy. The one before him mde me cry every night, literally. But this one?

 I thought he was the fish that I didn't have to throw back. I thought he was the one I would mount on a pretty piece of wood and hang in my living room for all to see and admire.

I thought he would never lie to me. I thought he really loved me for who I am--quirks, flaws, weirdness included. I thought he would hold me in his arms forever as if I was some sort of magic that would float away if not held in the correct position.

 I thought he would be the one I could always talk to, cry to, yell at, fight with, tickle, play, and love because everything would always be better in the end. I always boast about him in front of my friends because he always did THE SWEETEST things for me. He was a real romantic whom was easy to characterize in a story because I didn't have to make things up in order for him to be seen as a prince.

I thought he would always forgive me. I get angry super easily, and that is one of my most repelling flaws. Somehow he accepted my flaws, and we always made up in the end. Somehow he saw me as perfect when I was completely imperfect. He saw the sparkle in my eyes, not the bulge around my waist. He saw my smile instead of my big feet.

I thought I would never have to look again. He was the one. I had already decided I was done looking. It sucks being out in the singles world. Creepy people hit on you, and you really just don't know who is a creeper sometimes.

I thought his smile would always brighten my day, and his voice would put a song in my heart for only me to listen. I thought he would never lie.


I WAS WRONG. ROYALLY WRONG.

He lied. He drank. He told me he was with his sick grandmother. That is wrong on so many levels. He is unethical, unjust, unemotional, selfish, and a bastard. (Excuse my rightful language.)

He really gets mad at me because I am mad at him.

He really just wants sex all of the time.

He really makes me feel terrible for pledging a social club. There is no hazing, drinking, or anything stupid involved.

I don't get it.

Someone explain why I fell in love with a lying douchebag.

Gift Me Stupid

I have a dilemma on my hands. I don't know what to get my boyfriend for Christmas.

He told me a few things he could use, but nothing really stood out to me. Nothing says I really seriously am deeply in love with you. . . and I will get you the perfect present for Christmas.

This comprises his Christmas list:

Crossmen DVD 2001

XBOX 360

Leather jacket

or

Finale (a music composition software).

I am clueless as to what to do.

You see, he is very talented with gift-giving. He always gives the sweetest most thoughtful things that don't even cost that much.

Someone help me. And I know it should be my own idea. . . yeah yeah.

WM

Right Beside You

You know when you find that special, warm, inviting, comfortable place where you just feel like you belong? Usually it has to do with a group of people--friends, family, congregation, class, club, or even a relationship. I just realized that last one.

When I searched out colleges, I had no idea what I was looking for. All I knew is that I was leaving my friends and my family behind, so I needed a very inviting place where I could work up some replacements. Of course, no one will ever replace my family, but some one can become more than a friend.

I only applied to two places. Baylor and well, my present college (PC), since I am such a mysterious ninja, seemed like two completely different and well-thought-out choices. Baylor is huge, and they can have numerous amounts of students in one classroom; however, it was closer to home. I am from a very small town, so unless they offered me a full free ride, I wasn't going. I hate driving in cities.

My PC was actually pretty small, had a family feel to it, and was located in a city I had already driven in and knew. I decided it was going to be my final choice. I locked it in with my mother and the packing began.

I was terrified. My roommate and I had talked on the phone some over the summer, though I had never seen her. She sounded spoiled, bratty, part of the large group of people that I generally don't like. Well, I generally don't like many people, or else I just take time to get to know someone.

When I got there, she was actually pretty cool. We were both very similar. (Now, living together has pretty much forced us to hate each other most of the time.) We became besties. So, the tearing away of my family and friends from back home didn't hurt so badly now that I had a friend.

It's not only her, though. The faculty here is so involved and friendly. You can get help from anyone except the business office who handles your money; I don't like them very much. Hey! This is an expensive school! There are numerous social clubs, traditions out the wazoo, and a very fun homecoming bringing the alumni back together. The classes are small, and you get more attention than you would really like, but it's a good thing.

Anyways, on with it. When I met my boyfriend, it seemed like I belonged here even more. I never really knew why I applied to this school. I just knew the town, and I know this might sound stupid, but I think I was meant to come here. Pulled by some unknown force like a magnet to its opposite pole. It was destiny. Fate.

Every time he holds my close to his chest in our pre-sleep cuddling, I feel like I fit there perfectly. It seems that we were made for each other. I don't mean to be mushy, it's just that he left the other day to go on a tour of some sort. He won't be back until Wednesday night, and I am just completely lost without him. I've been wondering around campus like a tiny lost puppy.

This miserable feeling I have just makes me love him more. I have never missed someone so much in my life, and I don't know what I would do without him.

So, after so long of wondering, I know where I belong: right beside you.

"I don't want this moment to ever end where everything's nothing without you."-Sum 41 "With Me"

WM

7 months

So, I'm sorry I have not been available for a while. I've been super busy, extremely stressed, and lazy in between. I stay up too late and get up too early. School sucks, and I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be until yesterday. Me and the boyfriend got into a big fight.

You see, he likes to think he is so much busier than I am, and he's always tired or grumpy around me. I finally call him out on it, and he blows up in my face. He even put me on a guilt trip. This was totally out of habit because he used to be a really caring and sweet guy.

For the past month, I do believe that we have not been getting along as well as usual. I'm clingy, and he doesn't have much time to spare. I get that I was a bit wrong for bothering him about being tired and busy.

He did so well when I finally got the balls, caved, and asked him to talk it out with me. We argued; we both said some very mean things. What is important is that I finally got to let out all those feelings I had about the demon and such. After we decided we needed to stop being subtly mean to each other, he explained things in the "we" sense.

It was amazing. He was all like,

"We should work on not getting mad about the little things."

"We both just need to hold it in sometimes until we cool off."

"We can talk about our feelings calmly."

ETC...

That "we" talk calmed me down a lot. It's like you're not attacking the other person as much. It's not like YOU SAID, YOU DID, YOU KNEW... He's so smart, seeing what ticks me off.

THEN... he said he wanted to tell me something. OK we were just fighting, so automatically I thought this was gonna be bad. He said I love you which I knew wasn't what the deal was. He was scared to tell me.

I talked him into telling me.

"You know, some day I fully intend to propose to you."

Chills. Butterflies. That feeling where you want to call your mother really bad. You want to shout, to smile, to make sweet love right there on the picnic table.

I said nothing. I didn't make an facial expressions. I said OK.

WOW. I know I'm a dumbass. When guys tell you their feelings about serious shit, you have to praise them. I just didn't want to be creeperish. I know that sounds stupid because he's the one talking about marriage. I have been dreaming of weddings since I took a look at Ex Hot Girl's photography blog. The weddings just make me smile.

He puts his head down saying he feels stupid. No. Please don't. You just put me into shock. I didn't mean to keep silent, I just tend to have weird word vomit at weird times. I was probably gonna say something like, "Yes, I'll marry you!" WEIRD.

Truly, that sentence made my whole world worth it. He cares so much. I care so much. And in seven months, I have grown into the person I want to be all because of him.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."- Herman Hesse

WM

And The Demon Comes Out

I have had a couple of shitty relationships, and I have come up with a reason most of us break it off. The demon comes out.


At first, I meet a guy, and if he likes me enough then he is an absolute angel. He opens the door, pays for all the dates, buys me pretty things, compliments me, calls me, texts me, makes me laugh, holds me, hugs me, spends all of his free time with me, and then somwehere down the line... the demon comes out. He comes out with his nasty little horns, nasty little claws, and nasty little attitude.


This mother jumps out of Hell when we think everything is perfect. It usually occurs somewhere after the big ILY. People get comfortable; it's true, but that doesn't mean all of the nice things in life that make your smile light up like the July sky should abruptly stop. Those daily texts, daily visits, and daily compliments become very few and far between. You start buying more things for him, taking him more places, and waiting on him to find time to hang out with you between beers and video games. The demon has taken control.


Wow ladies. I think I have found The One. He was way better than the other heavenly creatures who quickly fell below angelic standards. He was something special; there was no way he would turn on me.


Well, like most times, I wasn't completely right.


You see, I have a wee bit of an anger problem. I admit that I will get pissed at little things. That is my personality--who I am. When we first met, it was magical to find someone who could be patient and not get angry at me. I could get calm with him and love him more with every little squabble.


Somewhere along the road, patience dwindled. The little things he did that meant so much faded away into the darkness that had enveloped our relationship. We drifted apart slowly through a rough period. He had become interested in things other than our relationship. You know how boys pay all their attention to you in the beginning of a relationship? Yeah, we were over that period. Suddenly friends were more important. Video games were more interesting than seeing how my day was. Beer with his buddies was the better alternative to wine at a candlelit dinner.


You might think that I'm describing the beginning of a terrible breakup, but I'm not. I'm simply explaining that there are bad times that everyone must go through in order to make their relationship stronger.


Our love for each other has actually grown, and we enjoy each other's company when we have time. I stay over most nights, and he holds me close to his heart. So, the moral of this blog is that a little hardship is inevitable for an amazing relationship. The demon can be vanquished as long as you put in the effort.


P.S. I have decided that my sign-off will be a different quote each time =]


"Thou art to me a delicious torment."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


WM

The Case of the Lone Follower

I must say that I was super excited the other day when I logged on my blog to find that little old me had acquired a follower. Oh noble and loyal follower.

Well not anymore. Maybe we should put out an Amber alert for him because he disappeared a few days ago. I waited patiently for him to come back or write or show up on my traffic list with no luck.

Oh Lone Follower! Where art thou?

I must know. Did I drive you away with something I said? I didn't mean it. It's not you, it's me. I swear. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to get greedy and keep looking for more followers. You are more than enough for me lone follower.

Please come back.

Make me feel appreciated again.

Make me feel special: like what I write actually has some meaning to someone besides myself.

I want to feel popular again.

Come back.... please..... *cries*

Until next time---have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

The Greatest Idea Ever

So, I was in the car with my roomie the other day. We had the radio on, and we were jamming pretty loud. The radio station we were listening to was 96.1 The Wolf. They were playing one great song after another; we were just singing along with the windows down when we pulled up to Wal-Mart.

Now, I wouldn't really say we were in a terrible rush to get in there and shop for deodorant, but I did want to get to bed at a decent hour. I had a test the next day, and had to go to work at 8:30 am. Ick! I know!

Anyways, when we pulled into like the best parking spot ever (because it was pretty late), we were listening to yet another epic country song. You know--the one you know every single word to. Then, we kinda looked at each other. We both had that feeling that it sucks to turn off a good song, but we did anyways. It was like silence, and that happy feeling you get when you're rocking out and bobbing your head was all gone.

To the point. People should be able to hire live bands to follow them around and play music. I know. I know. What about the iPod? Well, I don't have an iPod. Ooooo. Shocker. I have an mp3 player that sucks balls, but I have yet to own an iPod because I find them overrated....

Okay. Okay. So, I just don't feel like spending money on it--especially if they come out with a new one each year that I would want. I'm cheap, frugal, whatever. I'd rather buy cigarettes.

If I ever win the lotto, I will buy a band. It would just be a small one, probably some teenage garage band who wanted to make a buck. Hell, you know it would be phenomenal to have a band sing to you. Just to you, and maybe they could write a soundtrack to your life.

Yeah. That's my great idea. Take it or leave it.

Oh, I'm looking for a sort of sign-off too, like Bruce Almighty, "And that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Feel free to leave some ideas. I know someone has to stumble upon this blog sooner or later.

But for now....

Have fun in the sun. Get laid in the shade. Ha.

Falling Apart

We've talked about some religions in my history class, and I've found that the Daoist belief is highly applicable. They think that everything must exist in balance in order for the world to keep on a' spinnin'. The concept of the yin-yang is awesome: masculinity vs femininity, good vs evil.

The reason I'm even bringing this up is because I'm having a rather shitty week. I'm bogged down in science classes, homework, exams, and essays. I can't believe I'm so busy, yet I fail to be highly involved in anything but 15 hours of classes and 10 hours of work per week. That's not much you say? Being busy isn't so bad you say?

Ha. Besides this, my boyfriend and I are having problems seeing each other because we're so damn busy. And the thing is that he makes himself busy, he chose to be busy in the first place. Then, since I am somewhat paranoid and quick to anger, I think that he's doing it to avoid me. I think he has someone else. I think he hates seeing me unless it leads to sex. I know that's not true, but I can't help but think it.

Back to the topic of balance. What really sucks, but doesn't, is that my life was so great before. I expected something bad to happen any minute. I was completely in love, seeing a flawless man riding on his white pony ready to take me away from the nightmare that was my life before. So, bad, good, now the bad must rule my life once again.

It's that damn balance that I'm holding up. The good stuff gets too heavy consequently flicking the switch that unloads a shit-ton of negative happenings to fall on my head like grand pianos in the cartoons I used to watch in simpler times. The good times.

I should have seen it coming. I knew it had to balance out sooner or later. It just sucks to live in fear of that which is inevitable. And now that my life is falling apart, I know I can look forward to the balance getting overweight on one side. Then a ton of flowers, puppies, and cookies will fall in my direction.

Moral of this story: If life sucks, don't worry because it can only get better. Life can't be shitty forever because it would mean an imbalance which would throw the world off course. Yes, little you can make such an impact. At least according to the Daoists.

Goosebumps

So, how do you figure out you are truly, deeply, madly, completely in love?

I get goosebumps.

Whenever I hear a special song on the radio or see a picture of a seriously happy couple, I know that Guy and me are supposed to be together. It's destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it.

When we first got together, we listened to a lot of music. A LOT. One day as we were sitting outside chatting about the random happenings of life, I decided to wander around on YouTube. The goal of this little cyber adventure was to find a really good song we had never heard before and experience it together for the first time.

I had been listening to quite a bit of Sum 41, so I typed them in. I passed up all the songs I already knew and came across "With Me." It was incredible. One of the lines spoke of love finding its way to you. Everytime I hear that song, I get goosebumps.

I recently began following the blog of Ex-Hot Girl, who is not at all ugly. As I read, I noticed she was a photographer, a fantastic photographer at that. I took a look at some of her pictures of weddings and such. I couldn't stop. She captured the extreme happiness in couples that I have found. I got goosebumps. I encourage you to take a look at her page: JBe Photography.

It's not just pictures and songs that give me the goosies. It's his eyes. Those bright blue eyes that make me want to cry when they look into mine. The bright blue eyes that let me know everything is going to be fine. The bright blue eyes that have some sort of gravitational force making me not want to pull away even if we're fighting. The bright bue eyes that give me goosebumps.

Love is an emotion so strong that it even shows up physically. Love is getting goosebumps.

It Feels Like Fall?

First off, I live in Texas where the weather can change like three times in one day; however, the first day of fall actually felt like fall. And it still feels like fall. It's not sunny, hasn't been for days. The rain just keeps coming.

Don't get me wrong. Rain is great. Without it we would not be alive, but I like a little sun to brighten my dreary days. Now, it's freaking cold too. I believe it's forty-seven degrees right now. Jeez! Now I have to crawl under the bed, or slither rather, to get to my box of warmies. I miss my summer!

It's Funny How We Judge People...

...then they become someone very close to us who is very different from who we thought they were.

I know I can be judgemental at times. I'll pick out every flaw that a person has when I first see them. Some people with many flaws have many great qualities too. At least I can see that after I get to know them a little better... or not.

When I first encountered my roomie, it was a conversation on the telephone. She laughed a lot. I thought, Oh no! Not a bubbly personality to conflict with my pessimism and temper. I just knew we were going to have a terrible time living together.

Then I finally met her. All of my stuff had been moved in a few days before she came. She wasn't skinny, with perfect hair, and perfect clothes the way I pictured her. She was pretty noral like me. Until...

She turned out needy, selfish, inconsiderate. I can't go on or I'll just blow up. Maybe it is because we live together... maybe it's because she's a cheap whore.

And to add on to that... she is judgemental like no other. She can't handle any different people hanging around with her friends. She will meet the person, give them the stink eye the entire time she has to sit in front of them, then bash them hardcore later. And who do you think has to hear the bashing? ME!

I cannot deal with the ongoing she's fat, and ugly, she has a weird chin, she looks like she has a big vagina... really? Seriously? Truly? Ugh.

The best part is that most of the time, all of those people she loves to judge turn out to be the most kindhearted people. She knew my boyfriend before I did because he was a transfer student, and he was in all of her classes. "He's such a smart ass. I think he's gay. All he does is talk crap."

And how does it turn out? I am truly, deeply, completely in love with this guy. Now, she calls herself his best friend. I'll get to that later...

I'll admit, some of our friends don't exactly choose the right path sometimes, but that doesn't neccessarily mean they're bad people. In front of their faces, she is their best friend. As soon as we walk away it turns to bash time.

And another thing is that I know she bashes me too. Even to my own boyfriend. I have gotten so tired of fighting with her (because you know I have to live with her *only til next year though*) that I just bury all of this extreme hatred deep inside. I act like I'm cool with her. I can't blow up on her like I want to. I can't deal with the increased bashing she will deal out then.

So...

Just remember not to judge people, because they could turn out to be your best friend or more.

Thank you, Blogger!

I know that I don't exactly have any readers or followers or anything, but this blog has really helped me out. I must admit that I am somewhat of an angry person. I get paranoid about the smallest thing, and I am a pessimist. I get angry, yell, say things I don't mean, and then feel awful about it later. My boyfriend knows this.

He's been trying to help me since we got together, but I've noticed he's very busy and stressed out which means he can't be very calm anymore. Sometimes he says I get mad for stupid reasons. I mean, sure, I might get mad over a little something, but telling me that is not going to help anything.

I remember keeping a journal for my 4 years of high school. It helped a lot. I wrote about my feelings like I was talking it out with someone. It helped until one BF just screwed it all up royally. I cried every night and no amount of writing could fix what I was going through. I stopped. I got worse. I was depressed.

Now, I've realized that writing was an important outlet for me. I then proceeded to get my very own blog. I came up with this idea after I started reading one guy's blog who always posted links on Facebook.

I feel so much better. I can take my anger out on here instead of on someone else. I feel more calm, and I actually kept myself from fighting with the BF yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. I still talk about my feelings with him. I just wait until after I write about it. Blogging has had a very great effect on me. It's like getting it all out, then taking a step back and looking at yourself. I explained it to the BF like an ironic situation in a book.

I can't really tell if I'm arguing or getting mad for the wrong reasons. I just feel mad and express that emotion. Kind of like when the character in the book doesn't know that the murderer is really his/her husband/wife; however, the reader does. So, when I read my feelings I become the audience and get a better aspect on things.

It is truly incredible. Thank you Blogger!

40 Minutes

Only 40 more minutes until I get out of this hell hole. And no, I am not mistaken. It is sooo hot where I am working right now. I'm only 20, I can't be having a hot flash.

And that's not the only thing wrong. I'm horny too. I've been texting Guy naughty things. After I send it I always look around to see if anyone got a glimpse of me biting my lower lip and cocking my head to the side. Cocking... mmmm... head...

Now that I think of it, those onlookers probably just thought I looked funny. That's really not a sexy/horny look. More like a confused dog with buck teeth.

What about a guy's sex face? Or his sex noises? I don't know what I would do if the guy was just entirely quiet in bed. Honestly, I wouldn't be into it. I like a guy who's not afraid to be loud and just let it all out. And I mean all of it ;)

I really thought that blogging would help me take my mind off things, but it's not working.