Gift Me Stupid

I have a dilemma on my hands. I don't know what to get my boyfriend for Christmas.

He told me a few things he could use, but nothing really stood out to me. Nothing says I really seriously am deeply in love with you. . . and I will get you the perfect present for Christmas.

This comprises his Christmas list:

Crossmen DVD 2001

XBOX 360

Leather jacket

or

Finale (a music composition software).

I am clueless as to what to do.

You see, he is very talented with gift-giving. He always gives the sweetest most thoughtful things that don't even cost that much.

Someone help me. And I know it should be my own idea. . . yeah yeah.

WM

Right Beside You

You know when you find that special, warm, inviting, comfortable place where you just feel like you belong? Usually it has to do with a group of people--friends, family, congregation, class, club, or even a relationship. I just realized that last one.

When I searched out colleges, I had no idea what I was looking for. All I knew is that I was leaving my friends and my family behind, so I needed a very inviting place where I could work up some replacements. Of course, no one will ever replace my family, but some one can become more than a friend.

I only applied to two places. Baylor and well, my present college (PC), since I am such a mysterious ninja, seemed like two completely different and well-thought-out choices. Baylor is huge, and they can have numerous amounts of students in one classroom; however, it was closer to home. I am from a very small town, so unless they offered me a full free ride, I wasn't going. I hate driving in cities.

My PC was actually pretty small, had a family feel to it, and was located in a city I had already driven in and knew. I decided it was going to be my final choice. I locked it in with my mother and the packing began.

I was terrified. My roommate and I had talked on the phone some over the summer, though I had never seen her. She sounded spoiled, bratty, part of the large group of people that I generally don't like. Well, I generally don't like many people, or else I just take time to get to know someone.

When I got there, she was actually pretty cool. We were both very similar. (Now, living together has pretty much forced us to hate each other most of the time.) We became besties. So, the tearing away of my family and friends from back home didn't hurt so badly now that I had a friend.

It's not only her, though. The faculty here is so involved and friendly. You can get help from anyone except the business office who handles your money; I don't like them very much. Hey! This is an expensive school! There are numerous social clubs, traditions out the wazoo, and a very fun homecoming bringing the alumni back together. The classes are small, and you get more attention than you would really like, but it's a good thing.

Anyways, on with it. When I met my boyfriend, it seemed like I belonged here even more. I never really knew why I applied to this school. I just knew the town, and I know this might sound stupid, but I think I was meant to come here. Pulled by some unknown force like a magnet to its opposite pole. It was destiny. Fate.

Every time he holds my close to his chest in our pre-sleep cuddling, I feel like I fit there perfectly. It seems that we were made for each other. I don't mean to be mushy, it's just that he left the other day to go on a tour of some sort. He won't be back until Wednesday night, and I am just completely lost without him. I've been wondering around campus like a tiny lost puppy.

This miserable feeling I have just makes me love him more. I have never missed someone so much in my life, and I don't know what I would do without him.

So, after so long of wondering, I know where I belong: right beside you.

"I don't want this moment to ever end where everything's nothing without you."-Sum 41 "With Me"

WM

7 months

So, I'm sorry I have not been available for a while. I've been super busy, extremely stressed, and lazy in between. I stay up too late and get up too early. School sucks, and I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be until yesterday. Me and the boyfriend got into a big fight.

You see, he likes to think he is so much busier than I am, and he's always tired or grumpy around me. I finally call him out on it, and he blows up in my face. He even put me on a guilt trip. This was totally out of habit because he used to be a really caring and sweet guy.

For the past month, I do believe that we have not been getting along as well as usual. I'm clingy, and he doesn't have much time to spare. I get that I was a bit wrong for bothering him about being tired and busy.

He did so well when I finally got the balls, caved, and asked him to talk it out with me. We argued; we both said some very mean things. What is important is that I finally got to let out all those feelings I had about the demon and such. After we decided we needed to stop being subtly mean to each other, he explained things in the "we" sense.

It was amazing. He was all like,

"We should work on not getting mad about the little things."

"We both just need to hold it in sometimes until we cool off."

"We can talk about our feelings calmly."

ETC...

That "we" talk calmed me down a lot. It's like you're not attacking the other person as much. It's not like YOU SAID, YOU DID, YOU KNEW... He's so smart, seeing what ticks me off.

THEN... he said he wanted to tell me something. OK we were just fighting, so automatically I thought this was gonna be bad. He said I love you which I knew wasn't what the deal was. He was scared to tell me.

I talked him into telling me.

"You know, some day I fully intend to propose to you."

Chills. Butterflies. That feeling where you want to call your mother really bad. You want to shout, to smile, to make sweet love right there on the picnic table.

I said nothing. I didn't make an facial expressions. I said OK.

WOW. I know I'm a dumbass. When guys tell you their feelings about serious shit, you have to praise them. I just didn't want to be creeperish. I know that sounds stupid because he's the one talking about marriage. I have been dreaming of weddings since I took a look at Ex Hot Girl's photography blog. The weddings just make me smile.

He puts his head down saying he feels stupid. No. Please don't. You just put me into shock. I didn't mean to keep silent, I just tend to have weird word vomit at weird times. I was probably gonna say something like, "Yes, I'll marry you!" WEIRD.

Truly, that sentence made my whole world worth it. He cares so much. I care so much. And in seven months, I have grown into the person I want to be all because of him.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."- Herman Hesse

WM

And The Demon Comes Out

I have had a couple of shitty relationships, and I have come up with a reason most of us break it off. The demon comes out.


At first, I meet a guy, and if he likes me enough then he is an absolute angel. He opens the door, pays for all the dates, buys me pretty things, compliments me, calls me, texts me, makes me laugh, holds me, hugs me, spends all of his free time with me, and then somwehere down the line... the demon comes out. He comes out with his nasty little horns, nasty little claws, and nasty little attitude.


This mother jumps out of Hell when we think everything is perfect. It usually occurs somewhere after the big ILY. People get comfortable; it's true, but that doesn't mean all of the nice things in life that make your smile light up like the July sky should abruptly stop. Those daily texts, daily visits, and daily compliments become very few and far between. You start buying more things for him, taking him more places, and waiting on him to find time to hang out with you between beers and video games. The demon has taken control.


Wow ladies. I think I have found The One. He was way better than the other heavenly creatures who quickly fell below angelic standards. He was something special; there was no way he would turn on me.


Well, like most times, I wasn't completely right.


You see, I have a wee bit of an anger problem. I admit that I will get pissed at little things. That is my personality--who I am. When we first met, it was magical to find someone who could be patient and not get angry at me. I could get calm with him and love him more with every little squabble.


Somewhere along the road, patience dwindled. The little things he did that meant so much faded away into the darkness that had enveloped our relationship. We drifted apart slowly through a rough period. He had become interested in things other than our relationship. You know how boys pay all their attention to you in the beginning of a relationship? Yeah, we were over that period. Suddenly friends were more important. Video games were more interesting than seeing how my day was. Beer with his buddies was the better alternative to wine at a candlelit dinner.


You might think that I'm describing the beginning of a terrible breakup, but I'm not. I'm simply explaining that there are bad times that everyone must go through in order to make their relationship stronger.


Our love for each other has actually grown, and we enjoy each other's company when we have time. I stay over most nights, and he holds me close to his heart. So, the moral of this blog is that a little hardship is inevitable for an amazing relationship. The demon can be vanquished as long as you put in the effort.


P.S. I have decided that my sign-off will be a different quote each time =]


"Thou art to me a delicious torment."- Ralph Waldo Emerson


WM

The Case of the Lone Follower

I must say that I was super excited the other day when I logged on my blog to find that little old me had acquired a follower. Oh noble and loyal follower.

Well not anymore. Maybe we should put out an Amber alert for him because he disappeared a few days ago. I waited patiently for him to come back or write or show up on my traffic list with no luck.

Oh Lone Follower! Where art thou?

I must know. Did I drive you away with something I said? I didn't mean it. It's not you, it's me. I swear. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to get greedy and keep looking for more followers. You are more than enough for me lone follower.

Please come back.

Make me feel appreciated again.

Make me feel special: like what I write actually has some meaning to someone besides myself.

I want to feel popular again.

Come back.... please..... *cries*

Until next time---have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

The Greatest Idea Ever

So, I was in the car with my roomie the other day. We had the radio on, and we were jamming pretty loud. The radio station we were listening to was 96.1 The Wolf. They were playing one great song after another; we were just singing along with the windows down when we pulled up to Wal-Mart.

Now, I wouldn't really say we were in a terrible rush to get in there and shop for deodorant, but I did want to get to bed at a decent hour. I had a test the next day, and had to go to work at 8:30 am. Ick! I know!

Anyways, when we pulled into like the best parking spot ever (because it was pretty late), we were listening to yet another epic country song. You know--the one you know every single word to. Then, we kinda looked at each other. We both had that feeling that it sucks to turn off a good song, but we did anyways. It was like silence, and that happy feeling you get when you're rocking out and bobbing your head was all gone.

To the point. People should be able to hire live bands to follow them around and play music. I know. I know. What about the iPod? Well, I don't have an iPod. Ooooo. Shocker. I have an mp3 player that sucks balls, but I have yet to own an iPod because I find them overrated....

Okay. Okay. So, I just don't feel like spending money on it--especially if they come out with a new one each year that I would want. I'm cheap, frugal, whatever. I'd rather buy cigarettes.

If I ever win the lotto, I will buy a band. It would just be a small one, probably some teenage garage band who wanted to make a buck. Hell, you know it would be phenomenal to have a band sing to you. Just to you, and maybe they could write a soundtrack to your life.

Yeah. That's my great idea. Take it or leave it.

Oh, I'm looking for a sort of sign-off too, like Bruce Almighty, "And that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Feel free to leave some ideas. I know someone has to stumble upon this blog sooner or later.

But for now....

Have fun in the sun. Get laid in the shade. Ha.

Falling Apart

We've talked about some religions in my history class, and I've found that the Daoist belief is highly applicable. They think that everything must exist in balance in order for the world to keep on a' spinnin'. The concept of the yin-yang is awesome: masculinity vs femininity, good vs evil.

The reason I'm even bringing this up is because I'm having a rather shitty week. I'm bogged down in science classes, homework, exams, and essays. I can't believe I'm so busy, yet I fail to be highly involved in anything but 15 hours of classes and 10 hours of work per week. That's not much you say? Being busy isn't so bad you say?

Ha. Besides this, my boyfriend and I are having problems seeing each other because we're so damn busy. And the thing is that he makes himself busy, he chose to be busy in the first place. Then, since I am somewhat paranoid and quick to anger, I think that he's doing it to avoid me. I think he has someone else. I think he hates seeing me unless it leads to sex. I know that's not true, but I can't help but think it.

Back to the topic of balance. What really sucks, but doesn't, is that my life was so great before. I expected something bad to happen any minute. I was completely in love, seeing a flawless man riding on his white pony ready to take me away from the nightmare that was my life before. So, bad, good, now the bad must rule my life once again.

It's that damn balance that I'm holding up. The good stuff gets too heavy consequently flicking the switch that unloads a shit-ton of negative happenings to fall on my head like grand pianos in the cartoons I used to watch in simpler times. The good times.

I should have seen it coming. I knew it had to balance out sooner or later. It just sucks to live in fear of that which is inevitable. And now that my life is falling apart, I know I can look forward to the balance getting overweight on one side. Then a ton of flowers, puppies, and cookies will fall in my direction.

Moral of this story: If life sucks, don't worry because it can only get better. Life can't be shitty forever because it would mean an imbalance which would throw the world off course. Yes, little you can make such an impact. At least according to the Daoists.

Goosebumps

So, how do you figure out you are truly, deeply, madly, completely in love?

I get goosebumps.

Whenever I hear a special song on the radio or see a picture of a seriously happy couple, I know that Guy and me are supposed to be together. It's destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it.

When we first got together, we listened to a lot of music. A LOT. One day as we were sitting outside chatting about the random happenings of life, I decided to wander around on YouTube. The goal of this little cyber adventure was to find a really good song we had never heard before and experience it together for the first time.

I had been listening to quite a bit of Sum 41, so I typed them in. I passed up all the songs I already knew and came across "With Me." It was incredible. One of the lines spoke of love finding its way to you. Everytime I hear that song, I get goosebumps.

I recently began following the blog of Ex-Hot Girl, who is not at all ugly. As I read, I noticed she was a photographer, a fantastic photographer at that. I took a look at some of her pictures of weddings and such. I couldn't stop. She captured the extreme happiness in couples that I have found. I got goosebumps. I encourage you to take a look at her page: JBe Photography.

It's not just pictures and songs that give me the goosies. It's his eyes. Those bright blue eyes that make me want to cry when they look into mine. The bright blue eyes that let me know everything is going to be fine. The bright blue eyes that have some sort of gravitational force making me not want to pull away even if we're fighting. The bright bue eyes that give me goosebumps.

Love is an emotion so strong that it even shows up physically. Love is getting goosebumps.

It Feels Like Fall?

First off, I live in Texas where the weather can change like three times in one day; however, the first day of fall actually felt like fall. And it still feels like fall. It's not sunny, hasn't been for days. The rain just keeps coming.

Don't get me wrong. Rain is great. Without it we would not be alive, but I like a little sun to brighten my dreary days. Now, it's freaking cold too. I believe it's forty-seven degrees right now. Jeez! Now I have to crawl under the bed, or slither rather, to get to my box of warmies. I miss my summer!

It's Funny How We Judge People...

...then they become someone very close to us who is very different from who we thought they were.

I know I can be judgemental at times. I'll pick out every flaw that a person has when I first see them. Some people with many flaws have many great qualities too. At least I can see that after I get to know them a little better... or not.

When I first encountered my roomie, it was a conversation on the telephone. She laughed a lot. I thought, Oh no! Not a bubbly personality to conflict with my pessimism and temper. I just knew we were going to have a terrible time living together.

Then I finally met her. All of my stuff had been moved in a few days before she came. She wasn't skinny, with perfect hair, and perfect clothes the way I pictured her. She was pretty noral like me. Until...

She turned out needy, selfish, inconsiderate. I can't go on or I'll just blow up. Maybe it is because we live together... maybe it's because she's a cheap whore.

And to add on to that... she is judgemental like no other. She can't handle any different people hanging around with her friends. She will meet the person, give them the stink eye the entire time she has to sit in front of them, then bash them hardcore later. And who do you think has to hear the bashing? ME!

I cannot deal with the ongoing she's fat, and ugly, she has a weird chin, she looks like she has a big vagina... really? Seriously? Truly? Ugh.

The best part is that most of the time, all of those people she loves to judge turn out to be the most kindhearted people. She knew my boyfriend before I did because he was a transfer student, and he was in all of her classes. "He's such a smart ass. I think he's gay. All he does is talk crap."

And how does it turn out? I am truly, deeply, completely in love with this guy. Now, she calls herself his best friend. I'll get to that later...

I'll admit, some of our friends don't exactly choose the right path sometimes, but that doesn't neccessarily mean they're bad people. In front of their faces, she is their best friend. As soon as we walk away it turns to bash time.

And another thing is that I know she bashes me too. Even to my own boyfriend. I have gotten so tired of fighting with her (because you know I have to live with her *only til next year though*) that I just bury all of this extreme hatred deep inside. I act like I'm cool with her. I can't blow up on her like I want to. I can't deal with the increased bashing she will deal out then.

So...

Just remember not to judge people, because they could turn out to be your best friend or more.

Thank you, Blogger!

I know that I don't exactly have any readers or followers or anything, but this blog has really helped me out. I must admit that I am somewhat of an angry person. I get paranoid about the smallest thing, and I am a pessimist. I get angry, yell, say things I don't mean, and then feel awful about it later. My boyfriend knows this.

He's been trying to help me since we got together, but I've noticed he's very busy and stressed out which means he can't be very calm anymore. Sometimes he says I get mad for stupid reasons. I mean, sure, I might get mad over a little something, but telling me that is not going to help anything.

I remember keeping a journal for my 4 years of high school. It helped a lot. I wrote about my feelings like I was talking it out with someone. It helped until one BF just screwed it all up royally. I cried every night and no amount of writing could fix what I was going through. I stopped. I got worse. I was depressed.

Now, I've realized that writing was an important outlet for me. I then proceeded to get my very own blog. I came up with this idea after I started reading one guy's blog who always posted links on Facebook.

I feel so much better. I can take my anger out on here instead of on someone else. I feel more calm, and I actually kept myself from fighting with the BF yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. I still talk about my feelings with him. I just wait until after I write about it. Blogging has had a very great effect on me. It's like getting it all out, then taking a step back and looking at yourself. I explained it to the BF like an ironic situation in a book.

I can't really tell if I'm arguing or getting mad for the wrong reasons. I just feel mad and express that emotion. Kind of like when the character in the book doesn't know that the murderer is really his/her husband/wife; however, the reader does. So, when I read my feelings I become the audience and get a better aspect on things.

It is truly incredible. Thank you Blogger!

40 Minutes

Only 40 more minutes until I get out of this hell hole. And no, I am not mistaken. It is sooo hot where I am working right now. I'm only 20, I can't be having a hot flash.

And that's not the only thing wrong. I'm horny too. I've been texting Guy naughty things. After I send it I always look around to see if anyone got a glimpse of me biting my lower lip and cocking my head to the side. Cocking... mmmm... head...

Now that I think of it, those onlookers probably just thought I looked funny. That's really not a sexy/horny look. More like a confused dog with buck teeth.

What about a guy's sex face? Or his sex noises? I don't know what I would do if the guy was just entirely quiet in bed. Honestly, I wouldn't be into it. I like a guy who's not afraid to be loud and just let it all out. And I mean all of it ;)

I really thought that blogging would help me take my mind off things, but it's not working.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears!?

Here are the top ten things that really just tick me off. I could have gone on and on, but there's only so much bitching a reader can take right? Oh. By the way, I stole my title from Family Guy. Love that show.

First off, really loud people make me want to wrap them up in a tarp. No matter if it's on a cell phone, in a quiet place such as a library, or that unbearable obnoxious fake laugh, loud people seem to be everywhere.

It's even worse when they're talking very loudly about something that should be private. "Oh yeah. I found out my ex had gonnorhea. Yeah. I got cheacked. I'm still waiting for the results. The doc told me to watch for discharge..." Ugh. Then the obnoxious laughers walk by and really let it out. It's like a collision of all the shit that pisses me off.

Secondly, people who touch my radio should be warned. Don't touch my music. Even if there's a commercial, it might be a good commercial. I'm still listening to it. When I listen to music, I get in this sort of state... a happy state... until someone walks in, turns it down, and completely ruins my awesome mojo. Thanks bastard. You just switched on the bitch.

Thirdly, those lame ass guys who check you out at the red light. Wow! I can feel their eyes peeling my clothes off. Hurry, roll the windows up and lock the doors. Now he's doing the kissy thing with his lips. Really? Honestly? Seriously? Flip him the finger and take off at the first sight of green.

Fourthly, that bastard who feels the need to shoot sparks out of his mufflers at 4 in the am across the street at that convenience store. I've been here for a little over a year, and he never fails to at least make me look out the window and think about going over there and giving him a piece of my mind. But, Mr. SparkShooter is smart. He knows its too early for any reasonable person to want to come out and get his ass. Hopefully the unreasonable person is very tall and scary looking. Hopefully he is VERY unreasonable.

Fifthly, bigger people who wear skinny jeans need to realize what they're putting the rest of us through. I understand they are the style nowadays, just not your style. I tried a pair on the other day. I'm not fat, I'm just not skinny jean material. I looked funny as hell, but at least I realized it before my ass went public. It was like something very large going into something very small. HA! Yeah I was thinking dirty.

Sixthly, those people during group work who insist they are right, but they end up wrong. Then they just brush it off like it was the whole group's fault. Well, if you would have taken our advice and just shut the hell up maybe we could be caught up with everyone else. No. We must do as you say King or we shall dare to listen to the most annoying temper tantrum ever. No. I don't have kids.

Seventhly, people who eat my food. I have a roommate and she has a lot of food. It's in her fridge, by her fridge, on her desk, in her chair. There is food everywhere. Yet, when I have food it's like its better because it's mine. Even the cheapest stalest cookies will call her to attention. She'll do the whole puppy dog pouty face until I give in. Ugh. Whatever. Take it. I'll just wait until you get fat so I can giggle as I give you yet another potatoe chip.

Eighthly, guys who straighten their hair. I was "talking" to tis guy one time, and I actually had to wait on him. He was the one who was fashionably late. Ugh. He was so full of himself. He was a guitarist, and he thought I had fun sitting there watching him strum away to the stereo. Really?

Ninthly, people who talk in a different language even though you know they and their entire family know English. I remember everyone would be laughing but me. I would have to wait for an explanation in English. That's how you treat your guests. Make them listen really hard to try to understand what you're saying. Then let them laugh late like a dumbass.

Tenthly and finally, people who take up the whole sidewalk. I understand that one may be overly large and can't help it; but, if you're skinny and just in a group... get in a line. It's not that hard. Next time I'm just gonna run you the hell over. Oh I'm so sorry. Gain some weight and maybe I'll see you next time. Nothing against the skinny people. You're beautiful. All of you. Just don't own the sidewalk like its a runway. Cause its not...

No offense to my old English teacher who always said it grinds her gears for me to say firstly, secondly, thirdly,...

Bad Day

It's bad enough when you have a bad day and everything is out of your control. Now, when your day sucks because you made it that way... that's even worse.

I fully intended on going to work this morning; however, it seems that I hit snooze this morning too many times. I also fully intended on sticking to my schedule at 1pm, but I had to do some other things like cash my check and such. I should have known to go to the bank a little earlier than usual, but I had to take a shower. Ugh. That's all I can say right now.

Bills are due. Business trip is this weekend. The dogs need to be walked. The house is dirty. I didn't wish Mom a happy birthday. Ugh. If this day died, I wouldn't even attend it's funeral. That's how much I hate this day.

And it's all my fault that I'm not getting things done. I have time. I guess I just don't use it wisely. I'm sure to make time for pleasure, it's just the business slot I have all screwed up.

Even in all of this chaos I remember a few words a wise man once told me:

It will all be ok, even if it's not.

I hope he was right. I hope this isn't just the beginning of a huge downhill slope. I have plans. I also have him. Ahhh. Breath of relief. He is all I need to know it will be ok. His words should have been:

It will all be ok because I'll always be right here with you.

Those are some good words of advice. When you have a bad day there should always be that one person you can go to and just bitch it out. Rant and rave and then have some coffee. And a cigarette. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe. I can't say that it really will because I'm such a pessimist. I always thought pessimism was the right way to look at life. No matter what happens, it should turn out better than what you expected because you always expect the worst. HA!

Clingy?

I'm not clingy.. I promise. I just ask for a lot of his time, not all of it. OK. Close to all of it. I can't help it. They say that part of loving someone is wanting to be with them every second. I guess its just that he's so busy... and I'm not. He's all important and stuff, and I'm not. It's just that everything is changing. It already changed when we started in August. Schedules were different; his was packed and mine was pretty empty.

I feel so fulfilled after finding him. I feel like I don't have to find anything else to do because I have him to keep me busy. I don't need to meet more people because he is all I need. I am totally and completely satisfied with him, and I don't need anything else to steal my attention. I feel like I'm dedicated. I don't understand. Why does he need yet another job when he makes enough money as it is?

I can't help but be paranoid. Why does he jump in the shower right when he gets home from work. He doesn't even kiss me hello. I'm in the kitchen cooking, and I hear three slams. Front door, bathroom door, shower door. Is our life so pitiful and boring that he needs to spice it up with business and maybe even a little pleasure. I would rather not think about it. I don't know why I am.

He's always been there when I needed him. Once, he left an important meeting when I told him I was at the doctor getting a checkup. He rushed over to make sure I was alright. He is very truly committed to me. I could not imagine him ever cheating on me. It's just not in his nature.

Girls can't help but be a little paranoid every now and then. We know what happens: he breaks your heart, you creep on his Facebook, eat lots of comfort foods, masterbate, and cry yourself to sleep at night while curled up in the fetal position. No girl wants to go through that. Now it's not the best idea to go and acuse him of something he never did. Just be a little curious and worried sometimes. If he loves you, he will realize that you just love him enough to not want to lose him.

I've heard many accounts of what love is like, but one is unforgettable:

Love is being able to get mad at him, knowing that it will all
work out for
the best.

It's like you can fight without feeling like what you're feeling is stupid. You can say whatever you want including expletives that you know he hates yet still know deep down inside that you still love each other very much. Love is laughing, smiling, making love, hugging kissing, playing, tickling, cheesing, grinning, chuckling, fucking, fighting, relating, understanding, caring, sharing, yelling, kneeling, proposing, praying, answering, wondering, knowing, and being yourself. Love is being clingy (to a point).

My Own Personal Superhero

He was there for me even after I first met him. He listened to my problems, my bitching, even my stupid jokes that weren't worthy of even a fake laugh.



My best friend/roommate and I had a sort of falling out after she specifically broke the sacred GIRL CODE and decided to stay best friends with my douchebag ex-boyfriend who happened to be best friends with her current boyfriend. Confusing? I know.



Well, they were pretty much my only friends; so, after the douchebag and I broke up, it was like breaking up with all of my friends at the same time. It really sucks to not have anyone. To tell the truth, I probably spent most of my time either crying or trying to write and learn music that would take my mind off of it. I had so many feelings and no one to listen to them. At least until I met HIM...



He was probably five-foot-ten with dirty blonde hair and a set of abs that would make any girl drool all over her newly applied lipgloss. He should have been wearing a cape because he was there to save me--

my own personal superhero.



We met outside at the patio where our little circle of acquaintances usually crowded to smoke cigarettes and talk about sex. I went out for a smoke and noticed some people sitting around the table. Like I said before, I sort of knew them. They told me to join, so I did. The invitation made me feel good since I had been devoid of social contact for some time. There was one guy there who didn't look too familiar, and I didn't even find out who he was until the next day. I was too busy getting my social activity in for that week or so.



Anyway, they kept showing up outside everytime I went for a smoke; so, I ADOPTED them. One night I guess I looked kinda down because this new Guy asked if everything was ok. I said it was, but somehow he managed to read my mind and UNLOCK the vault that held so many feelings safely inside. I opened up, and the words and emotions spewed out like water breaking through a dam.



I felt so much better. He listened, advised, and put the smile on my face that had been missing for quite some time. We kept meeting regularly along with the other people who became regular smokers after a few nights at the table or Circle as we liked to call it. We gradually learned more about each other, and before I knew it I was at parties with these people. I did things I had never done before, and I still don't regret it to this day.



Later on down the road, it seemed like the other people drifted away to leave us at our own discretion; I saw something in his eyes that was absent in any others I had ever had a connection with--THOUGHTFULNESS, EMPATHY, CARE, UNDERSTANDING... I could keep going, but I won't.

Finding Love In Music

I was probably fourteen years old when I decided I wanted to be a rock star. Listening to music was my favorite thing to do because I really didn't have any friends; however, I was at fault for my loneliness. I lived in a different town from where I attended school, and I realized at a very young age how society worked. Your status may change over time because new people move into town to take your place and be cooler than you were. Then, the only reason they are labeled cooler is because they have pretty clothes, better toys, and a big house. I was mostly a loner, and when I wasn't a loner, I was a loser. Music was my best friend. It started out with Simple Plan, Good Charlotte... the pre-teen music about how acceptance was nowhere to be found. After a couple of years of that, I realized I wanted to write music and lyrics (since I already loved writing poetry).

I got an electric guitar for my birthday, and I started taking lessons from a guy my mother knew from work. He introduced me to the classic stuff: Black Sabbath, ACDC, The Scorpions, and so on. I loved learning new riffs and power chords every Sunday at his house. Then, he made the announcement that he was moving out of Texas. WTF!?

I stopped learning because I didn't believe I could teach myself. I told everyone in my family that I was burnt out on electric, but an acoustic would get me back in the ring. So, the Christmas before I moved off to college, my brother bought me a black acoustic with flames running down it. It was

"love at first sight".

After getting to college and settling in a little bit, I met a guy who tried to teach me some things. He taught me a few more chords than the ones I already knew, and we would jam. Afterwards, I would play around with words and chords, trying to mold some sort of song. Finally, I did. Everyone seemed to love it.

I was so proud of myself. I had created something beautiful with feeling that people actually liked. It was a tale of a lonely girl who just wanted someone to call her own. And soon, music would lead her to that special person...